What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? if you do it too long you will go blind.The son replied Dad, Im over here.A woman walks out of the produce section with bad news.She changed the cucumber into a pickle.What do you do when youre a man trapped in a womans body?You pull out.Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?He only comes once a year.When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. Gare are you a carpenter, because you made my hotdog stand. A naked man broke into a church. Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.What do a penis and a Rubiks Cube have in common?The more you play with it, the harder it gets.What three-letter word starts with an s, ends with x, and has a vowel in the middle?SixWhats the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?Condoms have evolved: Theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore.Why was the guitar teacher arrested?For fingering a minor.A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. 8. I wish you were my big toe. Estimated Read Time: 1 minute. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says, Dont worry, dear. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left. The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!". What do you get when you jingle Santas balls? How is playing bridge similar to sex? We're closed. Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl. The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.". The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. Id rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth, the woman told her dentist. He orders a beer and sighs over his pint. Youre so hot that even the zipper on my pants is falling for you. How is playing bridge similar to hooking up? Because she outgrew her B-shells. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, Damn, I wish I had a flashlight! The woman says, Me too, youve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!Do you need a carpenter?Because I could nail you then hammer you.What are the 2 most important holes in a womans body?Her nostrils.Are you a coconut?I want to smash you until all the white stuff comes out.Why are women like Popeyes?Because once youre done with the breast and thighs all you have is an empty box to put your bone-in.What do a boyfriend and a spider have in common?Women always exaggerate how big it is.Whats the difference between your penis and a bonus check?Someones always willing to blow your bonus.Why dont witches wear underwear?Because they need a better grip.I didnt have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. Masturbation always leads to sex. Why did the white goo cross the road? Welcome to the Sensual Innuendo Club. It can sometimes feel good when I am blown and sometimes, it can be painful. Do you know what that means?The boyfriend says, Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.How can you tell if your husband is dead?The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.Why cant you hear rabbits making love?Because they have cotton balls.A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. A carpenter and a professor run into each other-Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor run into each other. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand. How is s*x like a game of bridge? Girl are you a carpenter? Someone went into a bank with a sack full of shredding wood and asked to open a shavings account. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? While most of the jokes here are not appropriate for anyone too young to hear them, you would be surprised to hear there are some dirty jokes that you can tell almost anywhere. Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer? We have split the list into a few different categories so that you can skip around to your favorite types of jokes easily. Nevermind. Thank you all for coming. Where you stick the cucumber. But I refused. I lost my car keys I think they fell into your pants! I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didnt know either.What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?She gagged.Whats a lesbians love language?Speaking in tongue.A dad tells his son Stop masturbating! What am I?Peanut butterIm going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. The dentist said, I think you have the wrong room. You put in my husbands teeth last week, she replied. I play a major role in the film industry. Im especially responsive when you put your fingers deep inside me. Have you seen the joke about the carpenter that had to fix a fence? Obviously, they dont know that yet.I bought a box of condoms earlier today. I occasionally drip. 1. They both bang their fingers for a living. I only paid her half the bill. You use your fingers to get me on and pull me off. What does the female receptionist say at the sperm bank? 13. Lets take a look at our favorite short jokes for adults only: As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesnt matter. Because dont mind going up and down with you all day long. The other watches your snatch. What did the leper say to the sex worker? Bubble Gum! No wood gets wasted. Whats better than a good laugh? If you like this post, you will love 110 Most Upvoted Chuck Norris Jokes. I always think a step ahead. If you are looking for a good laugh, then read on. There are two types of people in the world: Those who love dirty jokes and those who say they don't but are lying. Want to know why women dont blink before foreplay? Jokes In Double Meaning. Girls on their periods always ovary act. He yells at the apprentice that he asked for three. Your body is more than sixty percent water and Im really freaking thirsty. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesnt matter. A man is approached at a hospital I personally am on the fence.What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?Thanks for coming!How does a woman scare a gynecologist?By becoming a ventriloquist. 1. 10. My girlfriend tried to get me excited on the hood of her Honda Civic. A man will actually press and pull a microwaves buttons and knobs. Call her and let her listen to it. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can be the six. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor" Its too long & you dont have all day to admire the joke. Because Joseph the Carpenter worked his own wood. Because when you hit 69, youll need to turn around!What can you find in a mans pants that youll never find in a womans?Pockets.What stays moist when you tie up its legs?A turkey.Im usually six inches long, roughly two inches wide, and everyone loves having me in their pants?A $100 bill.Sometimes a finger goes inside me. Get a look. One snatches your watch. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ. I just found an origami porn channel, but its paper view only. Well, then keep an eye on these questions because such dirty jokes can surely put them up in an awkward position. 2 lumberjacks chop down a tree, but don't know what to do with the wood. The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" When a joke goes too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke becomes inappropriate. there were three men holding hot dogs.they were all a different size..:D. What do you call a wh**e with a runny nose? Do you work with wood or want to hit on someone working in a carpentry workshop? Love is like a broken machine sometimes you need a good screw to fix it. Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? Well, dont you get tense because we have got you covered with a bunch of dirty jokes to share with your friends and family. Blonde: Could you please fix this for me? Because she probably outgrew her B-shells! 10. Papa Boner. "I could chop down the trees and make a raft." A glad-he-ate-her. The taste. That is why we had to share our favorite absurd dirty lines that you do not want to use anytime soon. Why would a mermaid wear seashells? Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered. The Mostly Simple Life is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com, Copyright 2023 The (mostly) Simple Life, 101 Most Upvoted Deez Nuts Jokes of All-Time, New Month, New Goals: 5 Easy Ideas for a Fantastic Month, 8 Exciting Couple Goals to Light Up Your Relationship, 5 Easy Tips to Have a Bubbly Personality People Will Love, Left Hand Itching Means Something Is Coming Your Way: Interesting Facts About this Superstition, 110 Simple Life Quotes to Inspire You to a Simple & Happy Life, 101+ Long-Term Goals For a Successful Career & Life, How to Make Birthdays Special When Youre Broke (50 Cheap Birthday Ideas), Budget Grocery List: $50 a Week for Two Adults, 51 Great Goals to Set to Change Your Life. They just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out.. We all need a major break in our lives either through casual funny jokes or some dirty minded jokes that may sound inappropriate but can lift up our mood during the tiresome phase. 20. Board! How is life like a mans dick? Yo mama is so dirty, she's like a hockey player only showers . Blonde: Could you please fix this for me? A submarine! My uncle is a member of the NRA. And Seal doesnt have one at all. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. Im known as a big swinger. Are you in need of some dirty minded jokes? What's a lumberjack's favorite thing in the playground? I can be more fun when I vibrate. Getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? God said, Let there be light: and there was light. How do you torture a carpenter? "Lie to me! He was a carpenter who died from being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have a point there. What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw? Enjoy these dirty minded riddles for adults. she yelled. Whats the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang. Its not what it looks like!Do you like sales? I guess we both were maid for each other. You wear me for protection every time you feel not so comfortable with what you are dipping yourself into. With a great penis, comes great responsibility. Dirty Jokes That Are Absolutely Nuts 1 What's still together after all the sh*t they've been through? "Why?" (Sexy voice)Who would you like it to be?Knock, knock.Whos there?Al! Your butt cheeks. Doing the business in elevators is great on so many levels. I hired a carpenter to fix my wall decorations. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? How do you embarrass an archaeologist? 6. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes. 19. They sound super clean. Weve got all kinds of funniest dirty minded jokes covering from the nasty dark humor to toilet humor as well. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry.". 1. Sometimes, humor is all about efficiency and that applies to the best adult jokes as well. 2. The furious carpenter runs downstairs and says, ". That was just an insect. Wow, the boy replies. ZANNGGG! Do you know what that means?". Experts say these things bring unlucky energy. Try to remember jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and make them laugh. Wife asks her husband: How many women have you ever slept with?Husband responds: One, two, three, four, you, five, six six total. A glad-he-ate-her. Whats the difference between sin and shame? ", He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" I guess you're a carpenter now gurl. A really wet nose. I mostly live in your pants and I am always in your mind, you cannot live without me. One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. A man walks into his dining room. I want you to be the girl who takes my virginity. Yo mama so dirty, a pressure washer couldn't even get her clean. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Dirty jokes and awful pick up lines go hand in hand. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. A private tutor. I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too. Hold onto your nuts, this aint no ordinary blowjob. He came, he saw, he conquered. Some of those jokes are dirty jokes (never appropriate but) always funny. How do you make a pool table laugh?Tickle its balls.An old woman walked into a dentists office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. We hope these construction company memes will tickle your funny bone, whether you're a general contractor, a roofer,. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. What do a penis and a Rubiks Cube have in common? The wife asks him: Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck. What am I?Popcorn.What four-letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you cant get it you can always just use your hands?A forkI tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. What is 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and makes women go crazy? Let only latex stand between our love, if you know what I mean! What am I?An elevator. Dewey who? Both men and women go down on me. A white Christmas! See disclosure in the sidebar. His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust. A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon. Catch a glimpse of these dirty jokes and gear up yourself for a comfortable laugh. 6. Maybe I know of him." How can you tell if your husband is dead? What am I?A spider.I can be short or long, I bring people great joy and you can have multiple at the same time. Apparently it never took off because he had a thing against screws. What am I?A smartphone. Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. Im so wet, give it to me now! She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.Whats the difference between a job and marriage?A job still sucks after 10 years.If you were born in September, its pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.What are the three shortest words in the English language?Is it in?Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much?Because one has two lips and one has two heads.Why does a woman prefer an old gynecologist over a new one?Because the old one has shaky hands.Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?Because they wont stop to ask directions.Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, I cant talk now, Im going into a tunnel.What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? He likes roofing. A matching one for the other side of the bed. Finally, the apprentice comes back with r/jokes , this angered the carpenter, as he cant build a fence with a subreddit. How do you call it, when you wanted to make a chair, but every time you try, it turns out to be a table? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Because you're giving me wood! In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there. The dog goes to the foreman and says he's willing to work and can start immediately. You name it its on this list. If you can make people laugh with only one or two sentences you can call yourself a truly funny person! Who was the first carpenter? Now you have to remove them.Why did the sperm cross the road? One says to the other: I cant believe I blew fifty bucks in there. So read on for the filthiest, funniest gags we've ever heard. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. Whos there? What did the guy say when he got caught playing with himself to an optical illusion? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. 2023 Galvanized Media. Hey girl, are you a carpenter? What is it?Butter.Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?A hooker could wash her crack and resell it.A cow has four. How to manage by sleeping in snatches. Please tell your tits to stop looking at my eyes. A man. Though many people would pretend they dont like dirty jokes or they dont understand them, but deep down we all know that everyone enjoys receiving a slightly naughty message or laughing at a well-told dirty minded joke. What's the difference between someone who makes wooden furniture and someone who does paint jobs? ", What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream. The Chairman. ", What did one butt cheek say to the other? Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? A carpenter goes to a brothel. Why do male squirrels swim on their back? Im on top of things. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. A matching one for the other side of the bed. A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!" One liner tags: communication, dirty, men, women. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? .. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby. Easy Copy & Paste! One makes your whole day, but the other makes your hole weak. 25. What do you call an expert fisherman? The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months", Why did the carpenter join the army? What do you do when your cat passed away? Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. ", I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools.". The other watches your snatch. Sometimes, giant balls hang from me. Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out. A wet nose. "Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!". Unless you spread it, you might not enjoy it. He came, he saw, he conquered. The woman is left behind without any interaction at all. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when, he shouts down to the apprentice but the kid can't hear him, so he does sign language. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. What does a perverted frog say? A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, Honey, I shaved myself down there. They crucified the carpenter. if( 'moc.enilnoefiltseb' !== location.hostname.split('').reverse().join('') ) { Do you know why a witch never wears panties? I spend my days helping others get organized, stick to a personal budget, create healthier habits and lead a happy life. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. He says "I take it one step at a time.". If you dont have a good partner, you will really need to have a good hand. I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood. A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!. Give it to me! How do you make a pool table laugh? Women make it hard for no reason. What do you get when you mix human DNA and, The Funniest Dirty Puns & Dirty Dad Jokes, Dirty jokes and awful pick up lines go hand in hand. It's not done yet. To fix his Cabinet. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. We think you will agree with us when we say: A joke is always a bit funnier when it has a dirty side. If only men knew that. Check out these dirty dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy! What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?I want you inside me.I bet you cant tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time, a husband says to his wife. After a few moments of conversing she finally asked, "So what's your occupation?" He says "I'm a. Carpenter." .."To what extent of carpentry do you work?" This is absurd. and without thinking. A carpenter bug. I'd not have thought they'd have much in common but apparently the relationship is really stable, He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. By becoming a ventriloquist. 11. "Awe you really think so?" Donald Trump has a small one. Because I want to see u lying in my bed later! Why was Mary a virgin? I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood. We suggest you to use only working carpentry carpentry tools piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Here I've listed 50+ Dirty woodworking jokes that are hilariously funny. What am I?TentWhats long and hard when its young and soft and small when its old?A candle.What is the difference between a womans G-spot and a quarter?Men actually have a chance of finding a quarter when they search for it. Need a laugh break? A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed My boss asked me to attach two pieces of wood together. Your email address will not be published. Because when you came in the room it became beautiful. A tearjerker. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. Would you like to be one of them? Whats the difference between hungry and horny? Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? What am I?An electric toothbrush.Name a word that starts with f and ends with u-c-k?Firetruck!You put your hands on me the first thing in the morning. Those of you who have teens can tell them clean carpentry woodturning dad jokes. You fiddle with me when youre bored. Because you just gave me a raise. Rub it. Play with the neighbor's pussy instead. that woodwork. How many Bitcoin maxis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Want to hear a joke about my penis? What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? Because she made Adam's banana stand. "I see", said the blind carpenter As he tripped over his hammer and saw What does a carpenter do after one night stand? My dad thought he made a good construction joke. 11. Why are the saggy boobs angry? Back to: Dirty Jokes. What do tofu and a dildo have in common? My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. Is your name winter? "Keep the tip.". For us being adults, dirty jokes become more acceptable and entertaining alternative in any situation. I suppose I shouldnt have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes. "That teabag was actually better the . Your email address will not be published. "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. What did the elephant say to the naked man? Are you my new boss? 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. What do a pen*s and a Rubiks Cube have in common? As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. Are you a termite? Are you an elevator? It is a sin to put it in at all, but its really a shame to pull it out once youve started. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? What comes after 69? 17. I decided to smoke only after making love. 3. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. One's a Goodyear. Theyre always on the lookout for a tight seal. Life is like a penis. Nevertheless, we can always use a good laugh! Have you run out of eggs?You never know where to look when eating a banana.The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. Eve, she made Adam's banana stand. Are you a carpenter? Do you know what that means?" They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation to see if its true? Blonde: Could you please fix this for me? Flirt and impress with different carpenting puns. What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? 47. Where you stick the cucumber. One who's flat as a board and never been nailed. Did you know about the hole in the walls of houses in the nudist colony? Why isnt there a pregnant Barbie doll? Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. "Isn't it obvious? How do you breathe through that little thing? Thanks for coming here today! But not a very good one, guy couldn't pull a nail to save his life. "My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.". Nevermind. What do tofu and a vibrator have in common? Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want. Tickle its balls. Because they wont stop to ask for directions. Why did the sperm cross the road? Violets are fine. Whats the difference between oral and butt intercourse? Be sure to check back with us soon for more adult humor. He saw the seas seize his saw. Give it to me!" When the carpenter arrives at the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the train passes by I'll check which part of the wardrobe has this problem." Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. We hope you have enjoyed our picks so far! I had a carpenter install new stairs on my porch and I asked him how he does it. "Beat it. } Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? A carpenter sent me her bill for installing a skylight in my windowless bathroom. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. What do you call a cheap circumcision? What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Two different fish swim into a wall One turns to the other and says, Dam! 30 Kinky Memes That Will Make You Laugh (And Give You Naughty Ideas), 100 Best Dirty Dad Jokes for Adults [2023 Update], 101 Best Orphan Jokes and Memes [April 2023 Update]. Life is like a pen*s: women can make it hard in an instant. READ THIS NEXT: 183 Jokes For Kids That Provide Good, Clean Fun. Your email address will not be published. The other is a great year. Why does president Trump need a carpenter? Did you hear about the guy who died because he was erect for too long? King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. ", Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough. 22. xhr.setRequestHeader('Content-Type', 'text/plain;charset=UTF-8');